The Diva Rules Page 13
rule no. 23:
MAKE MAGIC.
Ladies, get yourself a magic wand—and use it. And by that, I mean a Hitachi Magic Wand.
Stress is a bitch, and in a book of my best life advice for my divas, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this little mind-calming, muscle-relaxing nugget for all my girls: The next time you’re about to spend sixty dollars on a cheap pair of shoes or an utterly forgettable dinner, do yourself a favor and don’t. Instead, save up that cash and go get yourself this Japanese-made back massager (wink, wink), available everywhere from your local drugstore to your local sex shop. Take it home, use it on your back, and then a little lower, lower, lowwwer, lowwwwer—for CHRISSAKES, LOWER!—there! Catch my drift? Boys, you’re out on this one, unless you truly do have aching muscles (not the love muscle), then this is a beauty you could enjoy as well.
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YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD. And you don’t have to rely on anyone else to make that happen. You are magic, honey. Love yourself. Only, I recommend loving yourself on the low setting.
rule no. 24:
MAKE YOUR BOSS LOOK GOOD.
No matter how talented, unique, charismatic, or nervy you are, it is impossible to make it to the top alone. Nobody succeeds alone. You need fans—lots of them—in high places, low places, and those hard-to-reach places. In fact, to realize your full diva potential, you need to be so beloved that all the people around you—from your boss to your buddies, from the fella pumping your gas to the fella pumping your . . . well, you know—feel an almost inexplicably overwhelming desire to please you, help you, elevate you, and make you happy.
So, how do you do that? Well, first, ever so subtly, figure out who holds the power. When you’re at work, whether you clock in at a factory, office, school, or Radio City Music Hall, that’s easy. The one person in particular who can help (or hinder) you more than anyone else is your boss. Do not shy away. You’re not going to get noticed by keeping your head buried in your cubicle.
Once you’ve got the boss’s attention, there are pretty much two schools of thought when it comes to handling such a top: The first believes you should go full on Eve Harrington on her Bette Davis ass. That is, think of the job she’s doing now as one that rightfully belongs to you. Study her, insinuate yourself into her inner circle, and exploit her flaws, and eventually you’ll be able to take her down so you can take her place. There are pros and cons to using this sort of get-ahead tactic. The pro: It can be quite effective, if you’re willing to go all in. The con: Your horrid soul may just rot from the inside out. The All About Eve approach is just such a negative, lonely, and cynical way to succeed. You’ll never win fans by tearing other people down, and even if you do, they won’t be the kind who’ll stick by your side for very long.
I have a smarter alternative for my divas: Do exactly the opposite. Rather than search for your boss’s flaws, amplify her strengths, compensate for her weaknesses, and make her shine more than a cheap starlet’s forehead under heavy lights. Basically, just do whatever you need to do to make her look like she’s got a glowing halo hovering over her angelic head. After all, she’s got people to impress too—execs, clients, customers—and she’ll be grateful for your help. Soon, she’ll learn to trust you and rely on you, and you will become indispensable to her. And the more she appreciates you, the more eager she’ll be to give you new opportunities, promotions, and raises. Cha-ching! Everybody wins.
This has been my business philosophy for dealing with authority figures from pretty much high school on, but by the time I was Vogueing in the clubs, a couple of genius guys made it official. They wrote some supposedly groundbreaking article in the Harvard Business Review about the merits of “managing up,” in which, as I understand it, they explained for the first time ever the benefits of making the people above you look and feel good. Lord knows I didn’t read the article at the time. Girl, I was too busy living it. It’s always been the cornerstone of my success.
One of the clearest, crassest, and most transactional examples of how well this philosophy works is in a strip club. (Who knows? Maybe that’s even where those Harvard scholars got the idea in the first place.) I put it to work every night back in my days of emceeing the hot-oil wrestling at Goldfingers in Queens. Step 1: Find who has the power. I started each shift by hanging back and scanning the room, looking for the audience member who had the most sway (e.g., money) to make my night a success. Once I spotted the biggest spender—usually the guy out with his buddies for a bachelor party—I’d play to him as if he were my boss. In a sense, he was, since he was the one paying my bills (with his bills). Step 2: Find out what he needs to feel good. I’d chat him up, trying to get a sense of what kind of night he was looking for. Did he want to feel big or small? In or out of control? Dirty or clean? Step 3: Make up for his weaknesses by playing to his strengths. With the mic in my hand, I controlled the pacing of the night. If he seemed embarrassingly eager, I’d use my wit and my sense of humor—two of my assets—to slow things down, so he wouldn’t look like an ass in front of his friends or the wrestlers. If he was too timid to get in the ring, I’d build him up until he felt like every woman’s greatest dream. When he had a good night, I had a better night.
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IF YOU WANT TO GET AHEAD, YOU’VE GOT TO DO MORE THAN JUST YOUR JOB. Showing up on time, doing your work well, being your gorgeous self: All those things will earn you job security, and if you stay put for long enough, eventually you’ll move up the ladder. But real divas don’t like to wait for what’s handed to us. We demand it. We don’t walk, we sashay. We don’t glow, we radiate. We don’t have style, we make style. And when it comes to earning accolades, whether in our theaters, clubs, or cubicles, we do whatever it takes to bring them on. The easiest way to earn praise is to make the people in power know, love, and trust us. When you turn on that charm, baby, everybody wins, but especially you.
Sometimes, I’ll admit, it can be difficult to make your boss shine when your boss is an asshole, and all you want is for him to fail and disappear from your life forever. Girl, I’ve been there. And here’s what you do: Suck it up. Men, especially, like their egos stroked (as well as other things, but stay away from that). Summon all your strength and slip in a compliment whenever you can. Be as flattering as you can without turning into a kiss ass. You’ll know you’ve crossed that line when you start to feel dirty. If that happens, reel it in, or you’ll lose your credibility and possibly also your work friends. I used to do this all the time in radio. If anybody was interviewing me, I’d say things like, “It’s all thanks to our legendary program director,” or “That’s a question for my genius cohost here.” The effort I had to exert to do that was minimal, and the payoff was great. And you know what? It might just be what your boss needs to open up to you. Look at Gail, the meanie I worked with at Casablanca and Fundamental Thiiiiiiings. She started out as an ice queen, and by the time I was done with her, she gave me wide latitude to pursue my music career even though I was on her clock. I even thanked her for it in the Seduction album notes.
Now, with Ru, it’s a little different, because not only is he my boss on Drag Race (and before that on VH1’s The RuPaul Show), but he’s also my best friend. My love for him just makes me a bazillion times more invested in making him shine. Over our many years together, I’ve gotten to know him better than almost anyone else on the planet. It’s like we can read each other’s minds. One look, one curl of his lip, one bat of his gorgeous lashes, and I know exactly what he’s thinking. So if we’re doing an interview or a podcast or laying it out for the queens on Drag Race, I listen closely to him. I watch him. I’ve always got his back so he’ll never stumble or be at a loss for words, and he knows it.
One day back in 1997, when we were sitting together in the backseat of a town car in the Holland Tunnel en route from our radio show, which we broadcast out of Jersey City, to The RuPaul Show’s VH1 set in Midtown Manhattan, I turned to him and said, “I don’t know if I’ll ever have the words to thank you
for what you’ve done for me, bringing me to VH1 with you and making yet another one of my dreams become a reality.” He turned toward me, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “Bitch, I bring you along because you make me look good.” And that was it, and it’s true. I know my role. Ru knows that no matter what he says, I will pick him up. I will never let him fall. I will never let him feel awkward. And, in return, he’ll guard me like a mother lion.
rule no. 25:
BUILD YOUR LEGACY.
When you wake up every morning, before you even get out of bed, set your intention for the day. (Oh, shut up, you bitches. I know it sounds a little hokey, but just try it.) You don’t have to say it out loud, but think of something you want to work on for the day. If you’re feeling a little too controlling, it can be as simple as “I give this day to the universe.” If you’re feeling lost, try “Live what you love.” If you’re feeling unrelentingly bitchy, use “Be kinder than you feel.” Or, for any given day, this diva mantra always works: “Keep calm and sparkle on.” Your intention determines the way you are in the world, and the way you are builds your reputation. That rep will precede you wherever you go, so it’s important not to f*ck it up. And you won’t, if you follow every single rule I’ve given you. Heed my advice, and you’ll become the diva you are, the rest of the world will know it, and you’ll be golden.
Your reputation is everything. Well, almost everything. There’s your legacy, too, which accounts for the rest of what matters in this life. If anything is worth doing, it’s going to be part of your legacy. And if you’re not sure if you’re making the right decision, ask yourself, “After the lashes come off and the house lights come up, is this how I want to be remembered?” (If the answer is no, save your energy for something else.)
It is up to each of us to affect positive change in our lives. We can’t just sit around complaining that things aren’t fair without trying our damnedest to fix what’s wrong. I’m not saying you need hunt down injustice, adopt “a cause,” or join a march. (Which I am all for, but TBH, Divas are much better suited for riding on floats in parades anyway, thank you very much.) What I am saying, though, is that you need to find something that ignites passion within you and that your future self, or your future kids, or somebody else’s future kids, will thank you for.
For me, I’ve always been a friend of the gays, but my passion is bigger than friendship. I want to make the world better for them and their families, because I want to make the world better for me and my family, for all of us, and that’s one of the many reasons it was my dream to join Ru on Drag Race. I knew from the beginning that this show could change people’s minds not only about the gay community, but also about the drag and transgender communities. In part because they are the most fabulous, they are also among the most feared, ridiculed, ostracized subsets of our society. And I believed the show would open up people’s eyes to the fact that these kids are not only talented beyond belief, but also human. They’re artists. They have feelings, raw talent, and more nerve than anyone else I know. Unlike Milton Berle in a dress, they’re no joke. Drag is their livelihood, in that it’s what makes them feel alive, and that’s why I knew my soul needed to be a part of Drag Race. Not only are we changing people’s minds about drag, but we’re also bringing families together. Thanks to Drag Race, several queens, including Detox and Alyssa Edwards, have been reunited with their parents, and as a mother, that is a big f*ckin deal to me.
When kids come out of the closet, eventually they find other gays and build their community, but parents of gay children don’t have that same automatic support network. Sure, there’s PFLAG, an amazing organization (pflag.org), but some moms and dads can’t even find the strength to reach out to it. Every day, I aspire to inspire those parents, to let them know they’re not alone, and to remind them their only job is to love their kids unconditionally. And when I see them do that, it makes me so damn happy. Occasionally, a mother or father will come to one of my gigs or signings with their gay son or daughter. That’s when the tears come to my eyes. I always take extra time to reach out to them and say thank you. Thank you for standing by your amazing child. If, through the show, touring, tweeting, talking on the radio, or just being my diva self, I can reach out and touch someone else, parent or child, to let them know they’re not alone, then that will be part of my legacy.
And so will all the past contestants on Drag Race. In the past few years, I’ve gotten to know many of them very well. We travel the entire country (and often other countries) together for the Battle of the Seasons tour, and I’ve become the Fairy Dragmother to these children. I ride with them on the bus. I sleep next to them in sometimes nice, sometimes shitty, hotels. I have the privilege of watching them onstage night after night, and I’ve always been amazed by them. When I see them become stronger performers—and people—as a direct result of being on the show, I feel so personally proud of each and every one of them.
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CHILDREN, IT’S NOT ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT HEMLINE; IT’S ABOUT FINDING YOUR HAPPINESS. It’s not about your swag; it’s about your soul. It’s not about lip-syncing; it’s about love. It’s always about love. So many times in life as we age, we tend to put our careers first, our kids first, our significant others first, and forget about us. It’s time to reclaim your life and nurture that inner diva that lives within us all whether you are male, female, questioning or transitioning, we’ve all got an inner diva. You build your legacy every day by being who you are, so do what you love, take care of those you love, and always stay true to your heart. Now, go out there and werk!
So many queens come to Drag Race, shaking in their leopard- print thongs at the sight of me, as if I was going to be mean to them for the sheer sport of it. But if you get me at all and understand what I’m doing, then you’d know I’d never. Every single word that comes out of my mouth on the show, and in life, is only to help make these kids realize, and live up to, their own potential.
Sometimes, it’s not always easy. In 2013, I was starring in The Rocky Horror Show in San Antonio, Texas, for six weeks with season six finalist Alaska Thunderf*ck. (I was Magenta, of course. He was Dr. Frank-N-Furter.) I hadn’t known Alaska very well prior to the show, but we rented a house together for the duration. Every night onstage, I got to watch his genius—and that’s really what it was. Pure genius. He had more star power and talent that anyone gave him credit for. (At the time, he was dating my good friend and season four winner, Sharon Needles, who always took top billing. When Sharon was in the room, there just wasn’t enough oxygen left for Alaska’s star to shine, even though, if given the chance, Alaska could be at times even more brilliant.) After we came off the stage and drove back home together every night—no makeup, no pretense—I’d watch him struggle with finding his place in the world. He was miserable, and the only thing that made him less so was a half-empty bottle of Maker’s Mark. Eventually, I had to say something. I told him, “Alaska, I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself, because you’re so talented.” We talked all night, we cried a lot, and by the end of our show’s run, he kicked the booze altogether. My sweet Lasky has been sober for more than a year, and shining brighter than he ever has before because he is allowing his brilliance to beam through. I am so. Damn. Proud.
Ru always says everybody has to have their own process, and other people shouldn’t hinder that process. Everybody just has to go through all they have to go through, until they decide they’ve had enough. Me? I believe it helps to have a facilitator, and for all of my drag children, that’s exactly what I consider myself. When I see that you’re stuck in any given place in your life, I’ll not only help open a new door for you, but I’ll also walk through it with you. I do not, however, sugarcoat anything, and I give it to ’em raw, because that’s how most of them like it. Ahem. Anyone who has ever taken a journey with me—and that, by the way, includes you, too, now—is a part of my legacy. If I can make life better for one diva, then I’ll be living. And living.
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WLEDGMENTS
I’d like to acknowledge the many great people who have helped me make this book dream become a reality: First and foremost my husband, David, because without him none of this life I am living could exist. Thank you for always pushing me beyond anything I would normally do because I can be lazy at times (yes, I said it!). I love you. My daughters Lillie, and Lola, for always being my shining beacons of light and making me want to be a stronger, kinder, better woman. There is no greater love than the love I have for you. You make me want to laugh louder, fight harder, dig deeper, and be the best friend, mother, and woman that I can possibly be. Thank you for never allowing me to settle for mediocrity. You girls are my constant inspiration. My dad, Marty, and my mother, Arlene, without whom none of this would be. Thank you for running me to every audition, coming to every play, sitting through every concert, and always, irrevocably standing by my side, though Mommy is doing it from heaven. Aunt Harriet for being a surrogate mom to me and grandmother to my girls. I am grateful that through you, a piece of their grandma lives on. My literary agent, Holly Bemiss, and her amazing wife, Erin Bried, for believing in me and, quite literally, always having my back, getting my vision and hearing my true voice. What a great ride this has been! Emily Haynes, my incredible editor at Chronicle Books, for giving me such a wide berth to create this diva masterpiece and not trying to fit me into a mold that already existed. Michael Morris, my book designer, who, I think, shares my eyes, as he created magic and all I could do was drool over the final product. My entire Chronicle Books family for not even thinking twice about taking this journey with me, thank you so very much. Randy Barbato, Fenton Bailey, Thairin Smothers, and my entire World of Wonder family for always seeing the stardom in me even when I doubted it. You have the biggest balls of anyone I know and I am proud to call you my family. Lindsey Olliver for never, ever thinking twice about being there for me 100 percent of the time. I can always count on you. Laura Mazro for being the best friend a diva could ask for, through thick and thin you have always been my rock. Leah Remini, the world knows how talented and funny you are, but I know how caring and loving you are. THANK YOU for always being there for me, especially in times of need. To the entire LGBTQ community, who give me life all day, every day. My freaks, weirdos and misfits, I fight for you, for what you have given to me. Your love and loyalty make me feel like I can move mountains, and for that I will always be committed to you. RuPaul Andre Charles, I will never have the words to tell you how much you mean to me. You are a constant source of love and inspiration for me that I will never grow tired of. You are my sister, my brother, my best friend, and soul mate. You ARE every color in the crayon box. I love you to the moon and back for now and forever. THANK YOU, Ru, thank you.